Disappointed.
I think that is the word for this entire month.
Each social aspect has disintegrated. I'm a bit frustrated.
But mostly I feel empty; hollow; worn.
Like I got the life curved out of me via
the knife of recent events.

The stage of my life seems strewn with the rips and tears of
a battle ground. It seems that this is the second time
around I have been here. That what once was hope, what once had a
place for hope, now lays sullen and fallow.

Perhaps, hope isn't gone. But functionally it feels that way.
It seems as though my head is held with puppet strings and dangles
about my body as my arms and hands are controlled by
the cruel fates.

What do I turn to at this particular hour?

I turn to the only thing I can.
The one thing that is a constant.
The one thing I know will set me off into the light.

Into freedom.

I speak here of that contract on my wall.

But even that one thing... feels like a laborious grind
day after day, week after week, month after month. A slow
lonely process full of sacrifice and strife.
Problems and solutions.
And all the while not knowing just how long I'd spend in this
dungeon of being a no one, a nothing, a zip,
a zero on the spectrum of the world.

I can be so much more.

And frankly, I'm under some sort of belief that becoming more,
that by getting to where I envision being,
'that' day would finally see my freedom granted from this
muckish turmoil.

I seem stuck here for now and it is tearing my heart apart.

But I will not give up.

I may tear.
I may yell skyward.
I may curse the luck that is becoming standard.

But I will never!

Give up! Give in! Or go home!
Until the tasks of my life our complete.

You slam me now world?
So be it.

We'll see who changes who in the end.